New Beginnings #4

Christmas is almost here and the new year is quickly approaching. I'm pondering... what the new year has in store.

I had a wonderful childhood aside from a few bumps in the road of life I've managed to get through adulthood fairly well. I've had my fair share of aches and pains as well as joys, and now I'm working on a new beginning. I started on this new beginning not so long ago after the loss of my parents.

The father of my children left me about 6 or so years ago, and I had just had our second baby. Our beautiful baby girl was only two months old when he decided he needed more out of life. At that time I was also caring for both my parents and had a c-section and was trying to recover from that. I felt hopeless suffering from post partum depression and of course from the loss of my husband leaving us. Then just 7 months after our daughter was born I had to have a complete hysterectomy. This was a very difficult and trying time for me. I had a young son who desperately was trying to make sense of it all, and I did not know if I was going to be able to pull myself through this yet alone help him through this.

I suffered greatly from depression for a while, but deep down I knew I had to pull through. Then we lost my dad to a massive heart attack. Yet another blow when my son and I were desperately trying to just get through life.

My mom had this horrible disease called Huntington's Disease and the disease was destroying her ability to think and reason. She was extremely suicidal and we lost her one year after my father due to her success in her last suicide attempt. It was by fire. She some how managed to get a hold of a lighter and just lit herself up. She suffered from 3rd degree burns all over the upper portion of her body. Her organs were failing and my brother and I had to make the decision of whether or not to leave her on life support. She had a living will in place that said she did not want it, and the doctors only gave us hopeless news. She was not doing well and would not do well ever again if she survived. We decided to stop the life support and lost her a few days later.

My son and I struggled with the guilt of her suicide and found ourselves once again battling depression, but this time I was feeling a little stronger and was able to get through it better.

Following her death I found myself without a job or income as I was unable to work during the years that I took care of them. Now being a single mom and no parents to care for and no income it was time to make some drastic changes in our lives. I was very scared!!! Not knowing what the future held. Not knowing if I could get a job, and fear of not being able to keep one if I got one.

A job was no where in sight. Ten months and desperately searching and still no job. I made a decision that would change my life and change who I am. I started my own business.

Starting my own business was more than just an income it was life changing event and something that I needed to do for my children and myself. I have new confidence. I have a sense of accomplishment. I have a newly developed sense of independence. I am able to be home with my children and continue to home school and I love what I do.

Is life perfect or rosy everyday? No it's not, but it's a new beginning and I'm looking forward to the journey!