Please note this is not an advertisement. I am looking for opinions on my ad copy only.

I have put together a special offer to target a forum that I belong to try and solicit some business. I would love you could take a look at the copy and let me know what you think.

The offer can be found at the following link: http://kimbeckersservices.com/wso.html

The title that for the post is listed at the top of the page.

The title will appear as a post and they will have to click it to read the copy that is at the above link. My target audience is an internet marketing forum that I belong to.

The forum allows us to post special offers for members(for a fee of course). The offer will then appear in the
forum along with other peoples offers.

Thank you for your input, it is very much appreciated. I am hoping to get my first new client from this offer/ ( have my fingers crossed)

Thanks again,
Kim :-)

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Kim Beckers
Online Business Manager

Hi Kim First, double check your coding - your lists are showing up as HTML rather than bullet points.

Also, I might try to break up the page into two columns - if you are able - I'd put the main intro of the offer across the top, as it is essentially but then put the list of possible services to the right under their own heading, with the continuation of 'why hire...' etc. to the left.

There is a LOT of info/text here - and while it's a great offer I think it might make sense to pare it down just a bit. You mention possible services twice and the 'what you get' which kind of sums up your great offer is all the way down at the bottom...

Where you ask questions 'why hire..' be sure to add the question mark at the end

Finally, I don't know what the tone of the forum you're marketing to is but 'buy me a beer' is exceptionally casual jargon to use in a marketing message to entrepreneurs and other professionals. I think better to refer to a straight exchange of services for your fee rather than making light of what you're offering as a business owner yourself. 'Buy me a beer' reminds me of the 'buy me a coffee' donation stations on blogs, which always really turn me off from the content...just my two cents on that one, and perhaps I'm missing some crucial point.

I hope that helps a bit

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Hi again
I just moused over the link that is connected to your purchase of hours line, about buying a beer....I can see there must be some kind of forum culture that I just wasn't aware of there - so scratch that last part. Without that frame of reference though it seemed very out of place.

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Are you sure you want to be limited to the $20 hour rate for a year? I don't think I'd want to do that.

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Julia

Originally Posted by JuliaW

Are you sure you want to be limited to the $20 hour rate for a year? I don't think I'd want to do that.

yea, you are probably right any other opinions on this? I am trying to put together an irreistable offer but your right I do not want to sell myself sort.

I am going to try and scale down the offer and see if I can put into a table but I am not sue how to do that on a forum as the html is a little different.

Also, what do you think of the title? Is it catchy enough or should I change it?

Thanks again for your input.

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Kim Beckers
Online Business Manager

Hi Kim, I thought you were posting a link to the offer - didn't realize it was going directly on the other site...so you're right, the formatting thing may not be an option.

Why not offer the special rate for 3 months or so....then you're not locked in. A year is a LONG time, I know because when we moved back to the States I guaranteed our existing clients X$ per hour for one full year - a 'safe' move to have made when we were uprooting our lives so fully after years out of the country, but one that got really frustrating after about the fourth or fifth month.

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I have made some changes, please let me know what you think. Can or should I cut it down in any way?

Thanks,
Kim

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Kim Beckers
Online Business Manager

I like that you moved the 'what do you get' up top - makes a bigger impact.

One line in there though reads "You will be locked into this special..."

I would suggest rewording so it says 'You will take advantage of....' or similar - 'locked in' sounds more like a negative.

Also, maybe consolidate the first paragraph with the line about you being an IC - so it's the main paragraph at top then the invitation to take advantage of the offer, then the list of what they get...

Looks like a compelling offer, I hope it brings lots of new business and interest for you

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Thanks for all your feedback, I have made the suggested changes. I hope it brings me some business as well.

Thanks again for everyones feedback.

Kim :-)

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Kim Beckers
Online Business Manager