Can someone give me some ideas or critique the following for me?? I sent it on to my brother who is a successful entrepreneur and he said he would feel offended by reading the following:

Many people do not delegate because they feel as if they are losing control or they may feel uncertain as to what they can delegate. Actually, by delegating you will gain control of your time. Time you can use to develop and build relationships with your customers and clients which ultimately will contribute to your organizations success.

For a visual, I have compiled the following everyday tasks that we have taken over for some of our current clients. Review them, and then think about how you can save time, money, increase productivity, and effectively manage the administrative aspects of your business.

__________________
Dawn Riley
A Virtual Assistant in Paradise
Our business is about making yours better

Dawn,
I don't really see how it would be 'offensive' but if you wanted to soften the language a little you could pose it as a question, rather than a statement.

Something like "Have you avoided delegating your administrative business tasks because you're uncertain just how to do so or what to delegate? Or are you simply used to 'doing everything yourself'?"

(I'd work with that a bit more to polish it, but a good start I think...) Maybe what your brother is picking up on is the fact that it 'forces' the reader to acknowledge what might very well be an uncomfortable feeling to begin wth (the idea of 'giving up control' etc.) By posing it as a question it allows them to look at it 'sideways' - and take the concept in without being confronted by it. (Does that make sense? )

Maybe also instead of 'Review them...' you could say 'We invite you to review the following list of everyday tasks that XX Company has assisted our clientele with.' etc.

Anyone else, any thoughts?

__________________

I like posing it as a question! Thank you.

__________________
Dawn Riley
A Virtual Assistant in Paradise
Our business is about making yours better

Originally Posted by vainparadise

Can someone give me some ideas or critique the following for me?? I sent it on to my brother who is a successful entrepreneur and he said he would feel offended by reading the following:

He said he'd be offended, but did he offer any suggestions on how to word it so that he wouldn't be offended?

If you have a friend who is a proofreader/editor, you might want to have them review it, or, hire an editor. We advise our clients to delegate to us to save them time and help them do their business better, but we often don't take our own advice.

I know that I am not a writer; when I was happy with the text of my newsletter, I sent my copy to an editor who spent an hour and made some very good suggestions which I went with and am pleased with. She didn't charge me because we both belong to the same networking organization and offers her first hour for free, but you can be sure that when I do my next newsletter, I will be paying her to edit my stuff. I look at it witih the view that if I get one client out of the newsletter, it's money well spent. One really satisfied client can lead to many more in referrals. If we are doing mailings, newsletters, etc., we can't afford to have it go out less than perfect - we are selling ourselves as professionals and anything we send out has to look professional.

No Julia he didn't and that is why I posted it in here looking for some suggestions, opinions or advice.

Sending things out can be money well spent, however, I have had a bad experience with someone regarding copywrite issues.

__________________
Dawn Riley
A Virtual Assistant in Paradise
Our business is about making yours better

...which is exactly why the membership here who do enjoy writing and have a good sense of it pitch in whenever we can to help smooth out the rough edges of our colleague's written work!

__________________

Huh...I read it a couple times in different tones and couldn't find anything offensive in it but I agree with Tess, perhaps you should pose it like a question. I think it would have a greater impact on the reader that way. It would cause them to pause to consider.

__________________
Carlana Charles - Ciboney Virtual Solutions
Web: http://ciboneyvirtual.com Blog:http://ciboneyvirtual.com/blog

I didn't find it offensive but maybe it's a "guy" thing. I'm thinking that a guy wouldn't like to be told--or to make the admission that he might be "losing control." While I understand that you're referring to losing control of tasks, I'm guessing that it sounds like an emotional loss of control?

Perhaps you could leave that part out or reword it in a more positive way?

__________________
Jeanne
NowAssistingYou.com
Virtual Assistant :: Web/Blog Design & Hosting :: Writer

Originally Posted by vainparadise

Sending things out can be money well spent, however, I have had a bad experience with someone regarding copywrite issues.

What kind of copyright issues did you have? I would think if someone is paid to edit a document, there shouldn't be any issue.

Regarding the guy not giving you any suggestions, if I were in your position I would have turned it around and said,"okay, what would make you want to read further, how can I re-word it so that it would make someone like you want to read further".

I did that when I did my first mailout - I emailed my draft to an previous boss who managed a group over 20 consultatants and asked for his feedback and how he would feel getting that letter as an executive. He gave me some really good feedback and pointers and I really appreciated it AND I got a client from that first mailing and my second one which he also critiqued. While there probably are very good writers here on this forum, nothing is as good as getting feedback from the type of person you are trying to attract as a client.

I agree that your copy doesn't look insulting, but it doesn't look like it would grab my attention either.

How about starting with something like?

Wouldn't it be great if someone gave you the gift of time? Why gift yourself with time by delegating some of your admin tasks to an Assistant? You'll have the time to continue developing and building relationships with your clients and prospects which ultimately will contribute to your organization's success.

When you have finally written your copy, I'd really recommend finding someone like my old boss to give it a read - executives have a different way of looking at things than admin assistants do and they get so much marketing stuff coming across their desk, you really have to stand out or get put in File 13.

Sorry, I missed a word that changed the meaning, correction below bolded:


Wouldn't it be great if someone gave you the gift of time? Why not gift yourself with time by delegating some of your admin tasks to an Assistant? You'll have the time to continue developing and building relationships with your clients and prospects which ultimately will contribute to your organization's success.